Swans V Pies

[Trickster]

Mick Malthouse was caught by a speed camera. "I'll do anything for 4 points," he said...

Q: What has thirty-six legs and can't climb a ladder?
A: Collingwood

Q: What goes black and white, black and white, black and white, boom?
A: Collingwood falling down the ladder.

Q: What is Eddie McGuire?s best chance at a new flag?
A: When Australia becomes a republic.

****************************
A mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes.

He walked into the embalming room where a corpse was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its ####
Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard; "Good old Collingwood forever......." come out the guys backside

Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the corpse and ran up the stairs to find his mentor; Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe."

Annoyed by the naivety of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs; "There, look at the cork in the #### of that body, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please you do it."

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork, and sure enough:- "Good old Collingwood forever...." began to play.

Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said: "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of ####holes sing that song."

[Ruda Wakening]

Thanks, Big Al. Hilarious. May there be many more to come. Will take copies with me on Saturday night...

Not smart enough to remember them yourself?

[Primmy]

Thanks, Big Al. Hilarious. May there be many more to come. Will take copies with me on Saturday night...

Good call, me too. Hilarious.

[Big Al]

Mick Malthouse goes to a football reunion at Richmond and starts chatting with Damian Hardwicke. Damian says to Mick, "Well Mick, I don't know what you think of your players
at Collingwood, but mine here are all bright and brilliant.
How do you know? asks Mick.
Oh well, it's simple, says Damian. "We put them through a special intelligence test before they can play here. Just pick any of my players and we will see how well he does."
Mick thinks for a while and then nominates Jack Riewoldt.
Damian calls him over and asks him," Tell me Jack, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
Ah, that's simple coach, says Jack, "it's me".
Well done Jack, says Damian, and Mick is very impressed.
Mick returns to Collingwood and wonders about the intelligence of the team.
He calls in Didak and asks," Alan, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
Didak thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit more Mick, and I'll give you an answer tomorrow?"
Of course, says Mick, "you've got 24 hours. But it is very important that you come up with the answer."
Didak goes away, thinks as hard as he can, and then he calls in his teammates. Maxwell thought it might be his Grandpa but wasn't sure. Fraser was certain that it couldn't be anyone. Cloke just mumbled and sat in the corner holding his head. Jolly said he'd ask his wife and get back to him.
Prestigiacomo thought it could be a cousin in Italy who had been adopted as a child. The rest of the team wouldn't even hazard a guess. Daisy Thomas went into the foetal position. 20 hours later, Didak is very worried that he still has no answer with only 4 hours to go. Eventually Didak says" I know, I'll ring James Hird! He's clever, he'll know the answer."
He calls James. "Hirdy," he says, "tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not you brother and is not your sister?"
Very simple, says James, "it's me!"
Of course! says Didak and immediately rings Mick.
Mick, says Didak," I've got the answer: it's James Hird."
No, you idiot, says Mick. "It's Jack Riewoldt."

[Triple B]

.....Jolly said he'd ask his wife and get back to him.

Very very old joke, but love the new line....lol

[Big Al]

Swans V Pies

Very very old joke, but love the new line....lol

Sure is, the version I had had Buckley and Wallace in it so I had to "modernize" it a bit.

[Melbourne_Blood]

Should this be under a different thread ?
Perhaps the RWO Comedy Gala Extravaganza ?

While were on it tho: In tragic news, A station wagon carrying five collingwood supporters went over a cliff, killing all.
Where's the tragedy in this you might ask? Well, they could've fit about another five in the boot

[Trickster]

On a crowded tram going to the football game the fan resplendent in black and white colours had a large magpie tucked under his arm.
Sitting directly opposite, at face level with the magpie, was an old codger flaunting a scarf in the opposing team's colours. "They won't let you take a pig into the ground ya know," he said loudly
"It's not a pig, it's a magpie ya doofhead," said the fan in the black and white scarf.
"I was talking to the Magpie," said the old codger.

[Big Al]

Swans V Pies

You know your a Collingwood fan if:

You think NSynch is where your dirty dishes are.

You work with your shirt off and so does your husband.

You think Sherlock Holmes is the housing estate out the back of Victoria Park

You missed your 6th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

You believe dual air bags means your wife and mother in law.

[cruiser]

I think that if Bradshaw and Shaw play, we will finally beat the Pies and set up a very exciting 2nd half of the season, barring anymore costly injuries.

[Peace]

with those two back, we will be 2 players short of our best 22... we have a very good chance!

[aardvark]

Q. Why do seagulls fly upside down over Victoria Park? A. Cos Collingwoods not worth sh##ting on.

[Go Swannies]

I think that if Bradshaw and Shaw play, we will finally beat the Pies and set up a very exciting 2nd half of the season, barring anymore costly injuries.

Swans on Facebook just now: "Sydney Swans - Braddy is keen to play against Collingwood on Saturday night and was good out at training today."

[aardvark]

50,000 Collingwood Fans meet at the MCG for a "Collingwood Fans Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Eddie says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Collingwood Fans are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer."

Anthony Rocca gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Eddie asks him, "What is fifteen plus fifteen?"
After 15 or 20 seconds Rocca says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000 Collingwood Fans start chanting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Eddie says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the world wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance."
So he asks, "What is seven plus seven?"
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"

Eddie is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh
- everyone is disheartened.
Rocca starts crying and the 50,000 Collingwood Fans begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Eddie, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance...What is two plus two?"
Rocca closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Collingwood Fans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!

[aardvark]

Last one for me.....

Little Johnny was sitting in his Prep Grade when the teacher asked each of the students what their fathers did for a living.

Mary answered first, "My daddy is a fire fighter! He puts out fires and saves people every day!"

Next, Billy answered "My dad?s a cop! He has a gun and drives around in a police car with the sirens on!"

Joey who sat next to Billy answered "My dad is a doctor, and everyday he helps sick people."

These common answers all circulated around the room, but Little Johnny would not answer, so the teachers asked him "Johnny, what does your father do?"

Johnny Calmly took a deep breath and said, "My dad works at a bar and takes his clothes off for other men for money, and sometimes if the offer is good enough, he will go to a cheap hotel and sleep with the other man."

The teacher shocked by this, took Johnny aside and asked, "Is that really what your father does!?!"

Johnny replied, "No Miss. My father plays for Collingwood. I was just too embarrassed to tell the truth."